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new gauges cant waittttttt
ALSO, I cannot fucking wait for THANKSGIVINGGGGGG it is going to be delicious as always. The only downside is Greg is leaving wednesday to go to newyork and won't be back til sunday =/
I am going to be making a delicious Pumpkin-Hazelnut cake. yummmmmm (as shown above)
Next Friday is girls night; Tiff Brittany Jess and I (And hopefully kim) are all hittin da clubbbs.
Not to mentionnn.. I only have class Tuesday this week coming up. and after That, we have approx. 2&1/2 weeks until BREAK!!!
Im sittin here drinking Diet coke, eating chicken teriakyi with rice and veggies, waiting for my babe&& Loving my lifeeee.
I suppose all I can really complain about is water chestnuts, I hate the taste and texture and they probably shouldn't even exist.
- Mood:
cheerful
I had to park 50 miles away because I decided to get an iced coffee, and in that extra 5 minutes It took to do that, i guess all the spots were filled in the closest lot. I hate school and the only reason I'm typing this is I have 35 minutes to spare, and Id rather not do any homework.
My field hockey team is da bomb. Out of 11 games we have only lost 4, which really isn't so bad. Butttt, i cant wait for this season to be done. I like most of the girls but One i would loooooove to strangle.
Some people who used to be my friends haven't talked to me since the summer and I've realized it's not worth my energy to try to stay in touch with them if they don't want to stay in touch with me. If they don't care about me and my feelings, then I sure as hell don't care about theirs.SO, i'm sticking with Greg and the other close friends I have, because I am extremely happy with the people in my life.
The only thing Im not happy with is my money situation, but then again money can't buy happiness. However, I would like to be able to buy a simple $2 coffee without worrying If I'm able to afford gas or not. I reeeeally need to get paid for coaching ASAP. $80.00 a week at Lannis isn't cutting it.
In other news, my newest addiction is Farmville.
- Mood:
apathetic
For example: On one hand, I want to go out and meet people and party and get trashed like every other college kid and blahblahblah.
But, On the other hand, the hand that's more like me, Id rather just hang out with Greg. He may be my boyfriend, but he's also my best friend. We have inside jokes and speak in codes, he gets my jokes even though they're not really all that funny, and let's me take naps all day if i'm in a bad mood while he has to sit and play xbox alone. He sees something in me that he doesn't want to be without for even a day. I think its the same how I view him, and when I think about it, I'd rather just hangout with him then try to impress new people.
Also, I can't drink anyways because of my medications; one beer to me is like 5 to you. Id rather chill and smoke some weed. I spend alot of money on it, but atleast I can do my homework while high and still do good. I don't even want to know what my homework would look like if i attempted it while drunk.
Classes are acctually going great. Im only taking three, but I needed a break after my disastrous previous semester.
1- italian for beginners= da bomb. Best class becuase it's a beginner level class. We have a good amount of homework, but on the other hand for example,we played BINGO for 1/2 of the class last time! Plus, Nico is in my class, so I actually know someone, AND Most of the other kids that sit around us are alright and fairly sociable.
2- Health & fitness= Well..it's required... So, obviously not my top choice of class but I've been putting it off since freshman year so I'm sticking it out and doing my best. Kids in my class are alright and it's pretty easy. Plus my professor is very nice.
3- Human growth & development= While taking this class I have come to the conclusion I am going to be a psych major. I LOOOVE my professor- shes hilarious and has a baby who we get to see pics of all the time. She jokes around and makes the class very interesting. plus im killin it!, pretty sure i have a 4.0 currently!
I'm coaching field hockey again, 7th & 8th graders. I love it again, but it's a TON of work. This year, though, there is less drama and fighting between all the girls, and i have about 6 less people. Some girls I would love to just kick them in the face because they just don't listennn..but I think i might get in trouble for that. I don't get much respect from some other coaches since I'm young and look 15, but, my team always ends up kicking ass so It's o.k.
In other news, the pumpkin flavor is back at dunkins and I am addicted as usual. I LOOVE fall, I've already went apple picking twice! It's my favorite season, the leaves never cease to amaze me. I love the crisp air, the leaves covering the roads and the frosty mornings. I wish it were like this year round!
- Mood:
calm - Music:wu tang clan aint nuthin 2 fuck wit!!!
Yesterday I worked 8-1 and then had to return at 4 to help pack more. We had so many tomatoes to pack. THEN today I wasn't even scheduled, but there was only one person in the morning and one in the afternoon.. So I hadda go in today to... I didn't HAVE to, But I think it's the responsible thing to do; we have over 100 summer squash and zuccini going out tomorrow, same with peaches pears plums etc.
Fitchburg state is going to be the death of me. It stresses me out, and pisses me off so much that I want to go down there and kill people. I hate my advisor, I hate web4, i hate everything!!! aaaaaaaaaahhh I dont even know what the fuck classes im registerd for anymore beside the italian one. fuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
- Mood:
sore
FSC is pissing me off, I paid my parknig ticket and I still have a hold on my account. My fucking bitch advisor won't give me my stupid "alternate PIN #" so I cant drop a class. Then, when I went to sign into web4 today just to look at my classes, it kept telling me that the number I was entering wasn't a real student ID number!!!! arrrrrrghhh
The market saturday was fucking hot as hell, and waking up at 545 wasn't really that great.. But it was worth the 8 hours of pay, plus the two blunts and 4 bowls we smoked there and back. haaaaaa. But that kid Matt is pretty fucking cool so it was a good enough time.
I cannot believe that summer is already almost done. It has gone so so so fast and Its sad. I don't want to go back to school :(
Not to mention, coaching fieldhockey this year has become a fucking task just to re-apply! I haven't heard anything except theres a meeting tomorrow I have to attend at 6 pm. I haven't started doing ANYTHING for it and I acctually forgot how much work it is.. So, the next two months are going to be verrrrry busy. And pretty soon I have to start getting myself organized. (don't want to..too lazy...)
the best news: I GAVE MY 2 WEEKS AT HANNAFORD. No one, including myself, thought I would last this long becuase theyre mean and rude there and don't care about any of their employees (or atleast me..).
So I got written up yesterday and Then yelled at becuase I gave somoene my hrs. for saturday (did the market instread...) and didn't warn them like 44985648 weeks in advance.. So I said, "This is my official two weeks. Im tired of getting bitched at for things I can't control"
Done. Im fucking sick of that place, I have this 3 days this week, and then if they even schdeule me next week.. and then after that I dont have to work there EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.
- Mood:
HOT - Music:food network
Random thoughts:
My hair is pissing me off.. Its nice when it's not humid. I feel like chopping it off when it's this hot.
Im broke and no matter how hard I try I cannot save my money! I just keep spending..
I am questioning all my decisions in my life and it's resulting in me feeling like I have already messed up my life at only 20; I have slacked for the past two years in college, and Im so irrisponsible with school... I lost my 'alternate pin #' for my account so Now i cant add/drop classe like I wanted to.. Fuck Im not even sure what classes I AM signed up for!
I have been working SO MUCH.. which is why me having no $ doesn't make sence.
I have started 4 books and haven't had the time to finish even one.
I went to the farmers market last saturday, and I'm going again this saturday... Im only tan on one arm because of it. The kid i went with is named Matt and he smoked me up a joint on the way there, very generous of him!
I get a headache every single day and it's starting to make me mad. It also makes me mad that I haven't had dunkin donuts since saturday.
Ive only been to the beach ONCE this summer. =/
I love my boyfriend so much. I never ever get sick of being around him.
I really think someone needs to make a reality show OR write a book about Lanni's. I should start recording all the ridiculous events that happen.
Im fucking starving.. why doesn't my mom cook for me anymore?! wtf!
- Mood:
bored - Music:NEW WU
I been working as much as possible, not that I want to.. I just HAVE to.
Hannaford is going to be the death of me. Not that I get many hours, it just makes me want to fucking die/kill someone or myself. Everyone is MISERABLE and takes it out on me!!! Just because you're miserable and lonely and boring doesn't mean I have to be!
I was stuck on express register until close one night and it was SOOOOO boring. Normally one of my Boss' lets me skim some magazines. BUT THIS ONE BITCH shift leader who is clearly miserable, yelled at me about it. that was just one thing in a list of 100 that happened last time I worked. I am on the edge of giving my two weeks, I really need to if I need to stay sane. Truely is HELL.
ON THE OTHER HAND: Lanni Orchards. I have worked there almost 5 years of my life.. thats 1/4 of my life. And yet, girls who jsut got hired last year and don't do shit at work, somehow got a raise of $1.80 while me and the other long-time lanni's girls only got $0.10 raise, so we all make the same amount of money now. One of the people i feel could deserve it.. but the others..this is just ridiculous. I thought I was going to go into cardiac arrest when I found out. Also: they just hired a new girl.. We're all struggling to get money and hours, and they hire ANOTHER person. I still love lannis, I just cannot comprehend all this new shit.
ON THE THIRD HAND: Fieldhockey coaching- Hasn't started yet obviously.. But I applied for the Middleschool Coach position, again, and I got some weird email from the Varsity coach saying im a finalist for the JV coaching position. 1)no way I will have time to be a JV coach..waaay too much work, 2) I didn't even apply for it!! wtf?! 3) I DO NOT want to co-coach with the varsity coach, for a variety of reasons..some personal.
Other things I cannot comprehend/wrap my mind around:
1. Wearing white short-shorts to work at Lannis- Dirtiest place with the grimiest men....
2. Bad drivers- How did you get your license becuase It's really making me angry when you don't know how to use a directional. I knew the concept of a directional when I was 5 years old. whats your excuse?
3. Why my mom is so mean to me all the time.
4. Why some people try to sell buds as $25.00 a gram. It just doesnt make sence when I have gotten amazing shit for only $20.
5. "Got to find a reason why my money's all gone"
6. Lanni orchards and our wages
7. The Terminator- those movies make no sence to me.
Also, I'm back to playing Left 4 Dead again- my brother lets me and greg play his xbox360 pretty much whenever we want, so we play two player, sit in my garage, and kill zombies all day long. My gun of choice: the shot gun.
- Mood:
hungry
I always start typing an entry and write and write and write, and then decide that it's pointless and I delete it all. Soo, Lets see if I post one finally..
For starters, I accidentally pressed the button for italics and since my computer is so slow and shitty, I cant un-italicize(sp?) it?
The constant rain the past few weeks put me in horrible moods and made me depressed. The sun makes me feel like I want to live still.. I dont know why the weather affects my mood so much, but i think it does for most people...- everyone is so much more pleasant when it's not rainy and cold!
Other than the shitty weather and not feeling like moving from my spot on the couch...I have worked, almost non stop. I love lanni's though. It's like the one place where if I go i'll probably end up in a good mood even if the day is shitty.. Or even if i am in a shitty mood, I love my job there..so customers suck but the work I have to do makes me relax. Of course on a bad day I might not admit to all this.
Hannaford fucking sucks. Im not even going to start becuase I could rant for hours.
Summer so far, pretty much is just BLAH. Its not bad, but it hasn't been amazing. The weather pretty much ruins any summer plans you couldve possibly made. and, then you are forced to sit inside all day and watch movies.
I miss a good amount of people... I really do.. But at the same time I feel just so damn ANTI social. I just want to sit on my couch in my garage attic, watch tv, surf the web, listen to music, and smoke bubblers with my boyfriend...I hope i snap out of it cause sometimes it gets boring hahah. But really.. Im pretty fucking happy with how i spend my time (=
So now I am home alone, Greg is at work, Justin's at work,my mom and dad are MIA.. So im chillen in my usual spot on the couch.. Listening to music and enjoying my high.
- Mood: content
All I do is work now..and See my beautiful boyfriend. I work ALL the TIME. Lannis in the morning..Hannaford in the evenings. I dont mind toooo much, just being able to sleep more would be nice.
Me & Greg planted a garden,....it was a ton of work but it looks so sick. We put tomatoes, iceburg lettuce, habanero peppers, green bell peppers, summer squash, butternut squash, and watermelonsss ! I hope things grow so I can go pick a delicious watermelon (or anything else...) whenever i feel like it!
Other than this,not much is going on. Beside the constant disapointment and let downs from people. Some people....I just can't understand WHAT they are thinking doing someof the stupid shit they do. I just thought so much more highly of them..and they just disgust me sometimes.
blaaaaah im exhausted buttt....tomorrow is my day off!!!!
- Mood:
sleepy
I just went onto facebook and thnks to the iLike application I have a notification saying THIS:
Monday, Aug 3 @ 7:30 PM
Artists: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, 3 Doors Down, Pearl Jam, Radiohead, Coldplay, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Killers, The Police, Beck, Elbow, Slightly Stoopid, and Kitty, Daisy & Lewis
IS THIS SERIOUS?? RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS + ALL THESE PEOPLE?????Things lately, aside from greg and friends, have been shitty.
My depression is so bad I just can't deal with myself anymore. Little things go wrong and make me break down into a puddle and I cant get back to my regular state of mind for atleast 30 minutes.
My grandmother was doing so well with rehab she was even able to walk on her own for a little while, and then last week she fell and broke her hip. She had to get hip replacement surgery. Now shes in immense pain and very very sad and depressed, not to mention all progress is set back months. I hate seeing anyone that way especially someone who has had to overcome such a huge obstical already.
Beside that Im lazy and my anxiety isnt getting any better like it was before. Also I get extremely extremely dizzy and light headed every day and its making me not able to do simple daily tasks. Its frustrating and it makes me nauseous. Im gaining weight and its not good muscle weight, its FAT. Its making me hate myself again. I haven't felt the least bit creative in months so I dont write or draw much anymore.I am broke and Im living pay check to pay check. Idont know what the fuck im spending my money on but it's got to stop.
I know this is probably all my own fault, but Im 100% a mess.
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Every Thug Needs A Lady
But, I guess all I can do now is try for the rest of the semeser, and then kick myself in the ass and do better in the fall. I cant worry about it too long I suppose cause You cant change the past! I love this weatherrrr
Today is 420 and I was thinking "too bad I dont have much money and I'm trying to save it all" but then I read my horoscope and I think it was a message from god himself ; "Money has no value unless you spend it, so treat yourself to a tiny treat today." Hallelujia Amen.
My Short Story teacher hates me for no reason and won't help me on anything, so I didn't finish my essay ontime since I am so Lost. And becuse of this, I doubt i'm getting above a 2.0 but I aready made a resolution to work my ass off next semester (SERIOUSLY) beciuase its a little too late now. Ateast theres no classes today!!!
I went to boston for the celtics game a while ago and that was awesome. drank some beers and ate canolies with amanda and justin. and then the next week me and greg and justin went to boston for amandas bday and a ton of people went to fire and ice. that was a funnn day. I been seeing julia atleast once a week and thats sick cause shes hilarious and I really did miss her a lot. we got cherry hill icecream last night-first of the summer for us and it was DEEELICIOUS i got purple cow with choc. jimmies in a cup w/ a cone.... AAAAAAND now youre all jealous and want to go there! just kidding!
that is all, almost 11 time to wake up my beautiful boyfriend!
- Mood:
bouncy
The weather makes me happy, though. And aside from the weather, and aside from things w/ greg which are always perfect, im feeling pretty shitty. I didn't have money to get my perscription from walmart for 5 days becuase for some reason it increased from $4 to $10- and although its only ten dollars, I barely have $10 to my name. My mom gave me some money, though. Hopefully I'll feel better soon...
Im so sick of a lot ofpeople. Some people I am sick of and I barely see them.And just the fact they exist is annoying to me.
I'm supposed to be doing homework, But im sitting outside writing this instead; Greg is running around with my little baby dog Mo and im laughing becuase I dont know who is cuter in this situation. every so often they dissappear and its quiet and then i see mo sprinting out of the woods after greg who is screaming and laughing. It just makes me sohappy.
Other than all that crap; next year I believe I am having somepretty interesting classes.. AND**hopefully saving some$ and getting an apartment!!!!!
thats it. id rather just go run around too. bye
When you die, do you really think there is a heaven and a hell, and you go to either/or depending on the sins you have commited and how often you've gone to church? I believe in god, and I believe in heaven. But.. I believe MORE SO that there is a good being and an evil being. And, I feel that when you die, you go to your own personal heaven, filled with the things you love and adore the most. If you are a sinner, I don't know. I'm a sinner. We all are. Look at the way every one goes about living. Smoking a ciggarette or smoking weed, could be considered a sin. Drinking underage and breaking the law..is that a sin or is that just breaking a rule that god himself did not set up. Murdering someone..is a sin. Treating your family badly is a sin.
I dont know acctually, if sinner is the word. But I really think you must have to do something terrible to go to "hell" and see this evil being. Im not sure if it's the devil or not, maybe hell is whatever you fear or hate the most. For example, if I did somehting terrible and deserved to go to"hell", I am sure it would be filled with vampires, spiders, rapists, and anything else my mind can't stand to think about.
OR, when you die, do you go to neither heaven nor hell, and just start over at a differnt point in your life? On a differnet plain, Sitting in a setting you have never seen before when you wake up after you die, surrounded by people you know, yet the facts and your memories leading to this point are all completely differnt than the ones from the life you previously lead and ended. You die in a car accident yet wake up in a hospital and have survived, and everything happens differntly. You have a heart attack and die, but when you wake up you are neither in heaven nor hell, you are in a hospital bed surrounded by family; a wife you have never seen before that day because in your other life you're married to someone else. I DONT KNOW
I want to know what it feels like to die, and I want to know what happens whn you do die. The most depressing thought about death is that there is a possiblity that after you die, it could just be black. You close your eyes and submerge into darkness for the rest of the time the earth is a whole. ANd you are remembered by loved ones, but you do not continue living at all: no heaven, no hell, no one around you. But you don't know becuase you're dead and death could be a black hole you fall into and then you have no senses or no other expierences. When you die, thats it, you no longer exist anywhere at all. I want to know all this, but I don't want to die. I think I am going to die young so I know I will find out in years to come. But if I don't, and I live a full, long life, I am not complaining, I just wish to know this...for my own sake of knowledge and theory.
- Mood:
curious
SO..I thought I was going to the mount next year, but a professor I had last semester asked me to be a writing associate for her Writing 1 class. I want English Professional Writing for my Major, so I am guessing this is a very good opportunity, and I should suck it up and do it and stay at Fitchburg even though I hate it. Im mostly concerned with just graduating and finishing school, and at the mount I'd have to go for two more years anyway, and I'd get less of a degree.
The nice weather is cheering me up lately, and making me a little more hopeful. But, deep down inside I feel really really confused, and worried all the time. I don't know why, but I think its just about school. School is the one thing that stresses me out the most. Doing all my homework, not failing classes, etc. Work isn't stressing me out so much any more, becuase I talked to Jerry yesterday and I am starting back up at Lannis next week. That will be beautiful- they already have some flowers!
Other than all that crap, I am in love with Greg and I can't even describe to you how happy he makes me. I feel really really lucky everytime he's with me, and I made a promise to myself i'm not going to take him for granted. No one should take anyone or anything for granted. It's easy to get too comfortable.
- Mood: calm
I'm 20 and I can't believe I'm so old I can already feel my bones aching just kidding but seriously where has my life gone. The other day I told some body i was 18 which is weird cause I havent been 18 for a while now? Justin & Amanda got me a ticket to a celtics game to go with them and I cant WAAAAAAIT its gona be sick.
Today, March 18th, is also my CAT'S birthday. He was born the same day as me, but he is not 20 hes 12. a 12 year old cat is pretty old. I already gave him 1/2 the bottle of cat treats since it's his birthday and hes a huge fat cat that doesn't stop eating. what a little cutie.
Anyway..the other day me and Greg and Curtis went up to the quarries and spent so long up there and its soo sick. This summer I plan on spending my days up there away from everyone everything..cars..people tv computers. Its a beautiful view and the graffiti blows my mind and I love looking at it.
Im watching jon and kate +8 and incase you all didn't know, theyre supposed to be getting a divorce.. and now watching this THEY ARE FIGHTING SO MUCH! I cant believe it, its all so clear to me now, Thats it, i dont even know why I updated
so, wednesday is my birthday; im going to be 20. I dont feel 20 and I know I certainly do not look like I am either. WHo cares it will come in handy when i turn 40.
Everythings been beautiful and I've had an awesome break. It wasn't TOO eventful but I dont even really care. Honestly, when I have a break I like to just relax, rather than run around and try to fit all sorts of activities into one week. I saw my boyfriend everyday, I went shopping for my birthday wit my mom and bonded over hating people in the mall, i Smoked a bunch of bud (and broke my bong R.I.P) , and watched a lot of movies, tv shows, horror movies, etc etc etc. Also, I took many naps, and I loved every nap i took!
Im addicted to Left 4 Dead..I downloaded it on my laptop since i dont have an xbox 360 and I suggest you all play it. Ive played it everyday this week and i've almost got it beaten. and, If you don't like it, you're stupid. Now, im just waiting for the day that zombies really do attack. Im going to sit on a roof high up with a radio, some buds, and guns [and food too] and just shoot zombies..all zombies everywhere even if youre my friend becuase I refuse to become a zombie. sorry, but after playing that game I realize I just can't take any chances. Also when zombies attack I am going to loot some places and take some money. I cant wait, really. me and greg talk about it all the time and you should all listen to us: it is going to happen.
I am not looking forward to going back to classes becuase I hate school, almost as much as working. I asked for today off and they scheduled me anyway. However, we're having a party for my grandmother so there is no way in hell i'm going to work. when i called they said it didn't matter that I asked for it off it's still counting as an absence. 1) I didn't realize they "counted absences" like in highschool, I'm really glad i've gone back some steps instead of forward like im expected to.,,, and 2) fuck hannaford, family is more important than anyone there. 3) Im applying all different places anyway and I hope i get a new job ASAP before I kill someone at hannaford. im not going to name any names but i will tell you shes my boss HAHA.
Yesterday me and greg and mike went up to the quarries for the sunset and just to fuck around and climb rocks. Mike climed into a little cave and found an 80 gig ipod, like new, loaded with 10,000 songs of ALL GOOD MUSIC. Tell me that isn't the luckiest find. Its in perfect shape!
thats all. (:
- Location:bedroom
- Mood: content
- Music:good
Why am I fighting to live, if I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see, when there aint nothing in sight
Why I am I trying to give, when no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live, if I'm just living to die"
Life is becoming a little too predictable.. But at the same time.. I always look forward to tomorrow.
I need to get my act together- All I care about right now is LIVING. I dont care about work and I'm slacking at school. I need help. Someone whip me into shape.
I should do homework, eat healthier, exercise, stop smoking so much, find a new job.. etc. But, everything is already good enough for me right now. Im happy and I have lots of love in my life, and I think thats most important.
- Mood:
relaxed - Music:2PAC
- Mood: high
